“Santa is Real!”: House Erupts in Heated Debate
By: Maggie Sterning, Chief Editor
MARCH 2 2024- SPRINGFIELD IL- The house stood divided on the “Santa Claus Forever Act” this morning. The bill* written by Speaker of the House Alex Rankin and sponsored by Rep. Tyler Valentine, ratifies the existence of Santa Claus as the Primordial Christmas entity, sets penalties for denying Santa’s existence and declares “Last Christmas” by Wham! the song of the season. This bill crossed party lines with Majority Party Leader Gordon giving his position to Assistant Majority Leader Wilson so he could speak in support of this bill freely.
Wilson’s opposition to this bill was made very clear in his opening statement. “I worked hard to get my kids those presents, not Santa! I don’t even have a chimney!” Those against this bill added that this is an attack on freedom. Representative Smith pointed out that this bill is in direct violation of constitutional amendments 1 and 8. Freedom of speech/religion and cruel or unusual punishment, respectively.
The house was left in shock when Majority Leader Gordon received a phone call by Santa Claus himself. This solidified his claim that Mr. Claus is in fact very real. An amendment proposed by Minority Whip 1 Joseph Ignatuk stated that any person(s) found guilty of impersonating Mr. Claus will be subjected to 5 lifetime sentences on the basis that impersonating any higher deity is profoundly wrong. The amendment was brought to an immediate vote where it failed 22-31-1.
In closing statements those in opposition said this is a violation of basic freedoms and we should not support or perpetuate the idea of “the sweatshop workers Mr. Claus calls elves”. Those in support finished by saying Mr. Claus is a god and should be seen as one. Ultimately, the bill died 22-31 and will be thrown out. Santa Claus believers and Christmas lovers alike were left devastated by this loss.
*Note: This bill is an original piece of legislation written for the MIG Simulation and is completely satirical.
“What Do The People Want?”
By: Maya Holsopple
The first bill on the docket in the Senate today was SB OL 0202. A bill that wanted to make high magazine clips legal in the State of Illinois. The Senate Republicans gave a good fight stating that they “stand for the people,” and that “the people of Illinois have been asking for this, for years.” The Democrats of the Senate were appalled by this bill. Stating “Mass shootings already are an issue in America, why would we give them more ammunition?” and “Every bullet added is another life lost.” After a long debate, with many emotions from both sides, the vote was very close with a 1 vote difference. At 13-12, the democrats being the majority, the bill did not pass.
Amending the Amendments
By Ryland Roberts
“Enough with the handouts!” Representative Buckner proclaimed against House Bill 1013, a bill that will mandate that childcare services can be received at public Colleges and Universities at a free or reduced rate for faculty and students. There were some worries concerning the cost of additional staffing being added to the cost of the student’s tuition. Majority speaker Gordan spoke about how it will put parents into the economy. HB1013 was passed with 31 saying yes and 20 no.
House Bill 1429 is an amendment to the Firearm Concealed Carry Act, specifically with a change to ban concealed carry in public transportation. “Allowing guns on public transportation is madness.” Representative Gordan, Majority speaker brought to the bill. The right believed that this was the best way to protect those who needed to be protected. Some say the bill was pointless. “Criminals do not care that they can’t carry guns on the bus” representative Lembcke, the Minority speaker pointed out on the issue. This bill had not passed by 29-26.
The Senate Republicans Finally Get a Win!
By: Maya Holsopple
The Senate Republicans finally caught their break, when SBOL0103 was passed today! This bill makes it so you can buy directly from a car manufacturer, rather than the middleman of the dealership. This will reduce prices and create a new way of business. After winning the minority leader, Jacob Moore, explained that he is “ecstatic, and very grateful that he has colleagues on the other side willing to work with him.” He is also “very honored that they got to pass an original piece of the legislature made by one of his senators.” Assistant Leader John Kennedy also expressed his “gratitude for bipartisanship within the delegation!” The bill passed with a 15-13 vote, favoring the Republicans of the Senate.
Addressing Nurse Shortage within the City of Chicago
By Leslie Lozada
In the House Chambers on March 2, 2023, the House Democrats and Republicans met to discuss several issues regarding Committee A, for ATF and Education. House Bill 1004, which is about adding nursing as part of a curriculum for schools in Chicago. There was an intense opposition from the Republican side, due to the ongoing teacher shortage for the state of Illinois. There were additional concerns about adding more under qualified nurses into the field from adding that on in public schools. There was also concerns due to the inherent focus on the city of Chicago, and not the rest of the state.
Republican Minority Leader Lempkey, said on the bill, “Ask yourself, how does this bill actually help my constituents?”. In favor for the bill, Democratic Majority Leader Durn wants to bring in nurses into the workforce due to the shortage. “We are hemorrhaging blood at a fast rate, that being the nurses.”
From the House Democrats, most were all in favor for it. Some were citing the nurse’s shortage as to why the bill should go forward. One senator favored it due to adding on additional classes in school that do not have to do with traditional classes, such as math. Bill 1004 passed with 28 for yes, 23 for no, and 3 that abstained.
The Right to BEAR Arms?
By Maya Holsopple
While most debates in the senate room are rigorous, SB 1883 seemed to tug at the heartstrings of all those around. Can you hug a Bear? The answer today is no, unfortunately, if you do, you will have committed a class X felony. The democratic side of the Senate was quick to talk about the new documentary about Winnie the Pooh, ‘Blood and Honey,’ and the phenomenon of ‘Cocaine Bear,’ as a way to tell us all how dangerous it really is to touch a bear. While the Republicans of the Senate reminisce on Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy Bear, and how soft he might have been. Unfortunately, now we may never know if Fuzzy Wuzzy really was Fuzzy.
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